Baby Mafioso!
by Elise the Writing Desk
Summary: Three guys. One baby. Baby has a gun. Baby doesn't hesitate to use it. White was forced to take a baby girl named Alice from the Liddell Mafia. Obviously, he freaked out Black by bringing her home. Black then felt the obligation to shock Julius and forced him to partake in the impossible charade. How will these social retards take care a baby? One that can whoop out a gun too? AU


**Baby Mafioso!**  
_August 28th 2014_  
Plot by Elise the Writing Desk, Characters by QuinRose

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It was just a normal day...

"Give my wallet back or I'll cut you."

Some horrendous thieves decided to steal Black Joker's wallet. He was an independent teenage boy, so with his 'boy power', he went to retrieve his own wallet through diplomacy and peace! Of course, he had to be polite and kind to them.

"If ya fuckers hail me on your knees, I'll be kind enough to let you live,"

"Y-Yes, of course! ALL HAIL BLACK JOKER!"

"Evil demon..."

Unfortunately, one of the thieves wasn't very kind and polite during the peaceful discussion. So, Black kindly reproached him with gentleness.

"I DOUBLE DARE YOU SAY THAT AGAIN TO MA FACE,"

"GYAAAH! HE THREW HIM OFF THE WINDOW!?"

"THIS IS THE FIFTH FLOOR! IS HE OKAY!?"

After a peaceful and tearful partings, Black bid his farewell to the thieves, who had learned their lessons, with a kind smile and gentle words as he left the campus.

"See what happened when you fuck with me?" Black smirked. "So don't fuck with me, okay? Bye," with a casual wave, he left, humming a cheerful song, happy with his friendly and peaceful encounters with the thieves, and how well it ended.

...

...

Julius Monrey approached Black, sat before him and grabbed his shoulders.

"Which part of your story is peaceful!?"

~.X.~

However, the beautiful day didn't end just yet. Black was singing beautifully as he walked home, making flowers bloom at his every steps, and he finally arrived at his house. It was a bit lonely, but his parents were out of town, and his brother was having a trip in Italy, so Black decided to have a calm evening by playing fun games!

"That's right! If you fuck with me, I'll slit your throat! No one fucks with me in real life or games, suckers!"

It was really fun! The game was so heart-touching and adventurous, however, he was distracted from the video game, since the bell rang, signing that there's a visitor. Black smiled warmy and eagerly went to greet the guest.

"Argh, for fuck's sake, can't I enjoy some video games!?" Black yelled, throwing his consoles to the floor angrily before stomping to the front door.

Black gently opened the door and warmly smiled, greeting the guest at his door.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YA WANT!?" Black yelled, slamming his door brutally.

To his surprise, the guest was none other that his twin brother, White Joker. He was as handsome as Black, but Black was more charming and cool, and somehow more handsome. And yet another wonderful surprise, White had brought a souvenir for Black. What a sweet brother he was!

"Look, Blackie!" White exclaimed, "We're having a baby!" said him, holding up a baby with both hands.

Black was beyond shocked, but also very delighted to see such a beautiful, adorable ba—

"Wait," Julius held his hands up. "Wait for it," he cleared his throat, and after three seconds, the navy-haired teen took a deep breath and turned to Black again.

"What the hell...is wrong with you?" he said, trying to compose himself. "Black Joker, are you trying to fool around here? I have works—I've got money to make, and you're going to spend my minutes telling stupid jokes?" he asked, trying to be patient, crossing his arms.

Black hummed, scowling in deep thought. "Uhh, I fuckin' don't know how to make it serious...I was fuckin' sure I used some nice narratives..."

"_Nice_ narratives for a yankee's bleeding daily life? Sure. Like bloody hell, you're so kind and polite, well-mannered with 'F' words decorating your bloody narratives,"

"F words? You mean fuck? Dude, can't you just fucking say it?"

"No,"

"Just fucking say it..."

"No,"

"I know you fucking want to..."

Julius rubbed his temple, trying to gather his wits. "Anyway, if you're just going to fool around, just leave after you're finished with your coffee. I have no time for this,"

Black sighed. "Dude, I ain't fucking foolin' around. You gotta fuckin' hear me out, man!"

"No, Black, I have works to do, and I don't know why I went all the way to listen to you when you asked for help,"

"I need your fucking help! I told you, me and White are havin' a fuckin' baby!" Black sighed, stood up and opened the door. "See? It's a fuckin' baby!" said him, revealing a baby at the door, rolling around.

Julius flinched. He stared at Black coldly, and then back to the baby.

"Muaaaiii!" the baby squealed, and then crawled into the room. "Buuuu...baaaii!"

Julius twitched and poked the baby with a stick.

"This can't be real..."

"You ain't pokin' fuckin' babies with stick, man,"

The navy-haired male fainted.

"Ah, shit."

~.X.~

"Juu...Jujujuuuu? Mabaaba!"

"Blackie? Why are you taking Alice here? It's dangerous,"

While Julius, Black's dearest friend was in deep slumber, the wonderful twin brother, White, also arrived for a short, heart-warming visit. The adorable baby girl, Alice Liddell, was busily showing off her talent to braid Julius' long hair into artistic hairdo. Black politely greeted White with a handsome smile.

"Hey, yo, fucker," Black sneered. "I was just askin' Julius for fuckin' help, but he ain't gonna believe me if I didn't bring the fuckin' baby, right?" he said, taking an interest at how Alice was eating Julius' hair.

White sighed and went to take Alice into his arms. Alice clenched her mouth so tight, not letting go of Julius' hair.

"Ow...ow...OW!" Julius woke up again, and glared at the baby. "Stop eating my hair, you baby!" he yelled, and froze. Alice clapped her hands excitedly.

"Owiee!" she exclaimed.

...

...

"It's real," Julius deadpanned, rubbing his terribly pained head. "Oh God, you two are so stupid. Idiots. Stupid idiots. You two should've just died. Why on bleeding earth did I get acquainted with these idiots...?"

"Aha~ Julius is so mean..." White chuckled, trying to pull Julius' hair out of Alice's mouth. "Well, it was quite random, but during my trip to Italy, a group of mafioso was cornered in an ambush, so they just forced the baby onto me...Apparently, I have a natural maternal magnet!"

"Maternal magnet my ass," both Julius and Black murmured.

"Ass!" Alice exclaimed.

The three froze in instance, realizing that they shouldn't be talking dirty around a baby, but also began to wonder why did she not copy Black's shitty mouth already. Julius set that aside, and realized something else.

"Wait—a mafioso's baby!?" he gawked. "You brought home a mafioso's—Oh God, you know what, I am not partaking in this. I am not related," he shook his head and ushered the twins and the baby to leave.

"Fuck, man, how could you?" Black complained. "Look at it!" he pointed at Alice. "Look at us!" he pointed a thumb at himself. "How could you fucking let us take care a fucking baby!? The only fucking reason I came here is because you fuckin' look like a woman!"

Julius twitched, trying to not burst into a tantrum and compose himself.

Failed.

"What on bleeding earth do you want from me regarding my looks, you idiot!?"

"I dunno! Feed the fucking baby with your tits!?"

"I'm a god damned man! I have no such things!"

Black gaped as if he just heard something terribly shocking. He turned to White with a pale face. "White! He said he didn't have titties! I thought all adults have titties!?"

"Black, we're adults too. Do YOU have tits?" White retorted with a strained smile.

"Wha—I'm not fucking adult!" Black denied, but he checked under his shirt. "Well, I have fuckin' tits, but they're not round and jiggly..." he adjusted his shirt and returned to glare at Julius. "Julius you fuckin' liar! You have round tits, I fucking knew it!" he went to approach the navy-haired man. "I'll prove that you're fuckin' lyin'! Open up your shirt, you bitch!"

"I have no such things! You can't make me!" Julius screamed and began to run from Black.

"Seriously, he should've taken Sex Ed. more seriously back at school," White laughed, sitting in the middle of the cat-and-mouse chasing circle, having the baby on his laps. "I know! If none of us are taking care of her, maybe we should just dump her!" he suddenly suggested.

Black and Julius stopped. "Genius," they agreed, holding their thumbs up.

However, the very idea was soon to be cancelled.

Since the baby girl was laughing and clicking a gun, pointing it at White's forehead.

"Bang!" said Alice cheerfully, sticking the gun onto the red-head's face.

Apparently, the three of them—for some reason, Julius was dragged into this as well—were stuck having to raise a true-born mafioso baby.

**To be continued...**

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**Review if you're interested?**


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